What the heck am I eating?

It’s no secret. I have struggled with my weight for the majority of my life. Sadly, I can pinpoint when it really started. I remember in junior high, I would eat an ice cream chipwich for lunch almost every day. Why was that ok for me to do? Why did I not realize how unhealthy that was? And not to place blame, but why did my parents not know this was going on?

And so began a near daily series of terrible food decisions and a complete lack of awareness or care on my part that I was doing this to myself.

I don’t recall going into the cafeteria section where the food was being served more than a few times in the 6 years I was at my (jr/sr) high school. Looking back I think it was too chaotic and crammed in there for my liking but it baffles me. I didn’t have a packed lunch every day. Some days, sure. But not most. So I look back and think, what the heck did I eat for lunch all those years?

And in college…I wasn’t a fan of the main cafeteria food (who is, really?) and as the years went on I ate there less and less. I’d sometimes microwave food or cook pasta but not everyday. So again, what the heck was I eating?

As I’ve gotten older and moved in with my now-husband, I’ve certainly started eating more foods. I’d never had peppers, asparagus, etc. before. Crazy right?? Yet I still eat unhealthy take out more often than not, despite having access to affordable food options I could make for myself.

As an aside, I’ve been struggling for years with weird acid reflux and other GI issues and I’m finally seeing a GI specialist soon. That alone is a huge step because I have huge anxiety when it comes to seeing doctors but I know it’s something I need to figure out.

I want to know what I’m eating and feel good about it. I’m not saying I want to count calories and restrict myself. But I want…no, I need to learn how to fuel my body so it functions optimally (or at least better!). How do I give myself the nutrient I need? How can I have more energy and feel less run down?

Yes the answer is I should probably see a nutritionist. And maybe I will (again). But for now just recognizing this desire to take better care of myself is a huge step for me. Even having that desire is huge. Depression made me not want to take care of myself, among many other not fun things, for so many years and I’m slowly untangling the web that depression created around me.

I started this post with a completely different topic in mind. Just goes to show how important writing out my thoughts really are – these feelings were floating under the surface and I’m happy to have articulated them.

I’ve got lots to think about now. Can’t wait to see what comes to mind next!

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